Identity Crisis

Today was a perfect example of things not going the way I expected/planned and I'm beginning to think this is going to continue to be a regular part of life.
I must mention that I smell like strawberry throw-up as I type this.

What is amazing is this day started out rather nicely. Elynna actually slept through the ENTIRE night. 7:30 pm to 7:00 am, baby! This is a rather rare occurrence, so you could imagine how happy I felt! We got started with a diaper change, some breast feeding, and then she played (and tried to wake up Daddy) while I did a little workout in the living room.

Well, Elynna is sick. She's had a cold since yesterday and I was hoping she could still get some good naps in today so she can be well rested. I wanted to go to a Yard Sale at my Dad's church this morning to support them and was hoping Ellie could come with.

With her possibly transitioning with nap time and being sick, I had no idea when she was supposed to go down for the morning nap. 9:00? 9:30? 10:00? Anyway, she showed signs of drowsiness around 9:00, so I thought this is it. She ended up crying pretty hard til 10:30, but eventually fell asleep... I just left her in the crib crying with Daddy home and went to the Yard Sale by myself.

The afternoon went fine, but this evening we attended a cookout. I had been looking forward to this cookout for weeks. I just like the opportunity to get together with friends whenever I can, especially when I can do it with my husband and daughter. With having a baby, lately we trade off on evening outings: I have a girls night on Monday, Josh goes to worship practice Thursday. I know some families do this and are fine with it, but I really enjoy doing things with my husband. I actually kind of like him. :)

So I had things prepared so we didn't have to get a baby sitter and Ellie could come with us and maybe even lay down for bed while we were there.

Things went well at first... she crawled around in the grass and played with the dogs while Josh and I ate, but then it came time to get ready for "bed." I put Elynna in her jammies, wrapped her in a blanket, and started feeding her her bedtime bottle on the couch in our friend's living room. A few minutes in, she had a burp, which was followed immediately by pink liquid and chunks spewing out of her mouth. I rushed to the entryway so I wouldn't get anything else on the couch or carpet. The spewing continued. Then I made my way to nearest bathroom and quickly placed her in the bath tub. I thought, I better ask first. "Angela? Can I just give her a bath?" Thankfully the answer was affirmative.

To make more of the story go faster, I dressed her back in her clothes, we cuddled outside, and she threw up again. Time to go home.

Elynna drank part of her bottle in the car on the way home and after talking to us about how happy she was, decided to fall asleep. Guess what? She threw up again.

Cleaned her up quickly when we got home, changed out of my pukey clothes, and I thought I'd nurse her... Makes sure she didn't go to bed with any empty stomach. Maybe it was the milk we gave her that was bad.
Well, after burping her, she threw up again-- nice and peacefully at least. Barely made a peep and just laid her head on my chest as my shirt got all gooey again.

Finally, we just put her to bed. She was fine.

As I ponder about how I reacted/ handled things, I'm not to pleased with myself. I was rather upset that my night was "ruined." The whole point of me not staying at home was so I could have fellowship with some friends, but that was cut short because I was taking care of Elynna.
The sad thing is, I'm less upset that my night was not as I was expecting, and more upset about me being upset about that. I feel like a big jerk when I say that's what I'm thinking.
I'm disappointed with my daughter. She's taking my time away from "more important" things. I HATE that  those are thoughts that are going through my head.

Also, now that she's definitely sick (Josh and I were already debating if I should stay home from church tomorrow), I have to stay home from church tomorrow. When I realized this, I could just feel my heart drop. Or was it my heart rate went up? I was disappointed because I like church, and I was anxious because I don't have everything that I do on Sunday mornings delegated out yet, and I was a little resentful because it was because of Elynna that I couldn't go. And why did Josh get to go and not stay home with her?

Some pretty awful thoughts, huh?

Then the next thought I had after all those was, "How could you be thinking all these things?!" Pretty condemning, huh?

Anyway, I am disappointed in myself for being so anxious, resentful, discouraged about all things things not working out as planned. I want to get to the bottom of this. I know it's okay to have emotions and get angry once in awhile, but should I really be this uptight? When things that I hold dear are taken away or altered, why do I react in the manner that I do?

I think it boils down to my identity.

I place a lot  of who I am in what I do. That is what I do as a wife, a mom, a children's minister. I just LOVE doing things, I LOVE doing things for the Lord, and I LOVE doing things well (cough, perfect, cough).

Man, I can't quite remember where I was going with this....

I think the point is I'm too wrapped up in all my responsibilities. It's okay to want to do things well, but when my world falls apart because my child is throwing up, or I can't teach the lesson for children's church, or I don't have everything perfectly ready for Sunday mornings, that's not healthy.

"My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness... On Christ the Solid Rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand, all other ground is sinking sand." -- So true. This is SO true. And I have not been living by it.

I'm building my hope in my husband and how good of a wife he thinks I am. My hope is in my competence as a mother and what other mothers think of how I am. My hope is in my ability as a Children's Minister and what the parents and church staff think of the job I am doing. I have SO MUCH WEIGHT ON MY SHOULDERS from all these responsibilities and if I do them well or not.

But these are all sinking sand. I'm sinking when they start to fall apart. I want to change.

Is there a way to take a pill so I can become more easy going? I watch these easy going people and my first thought is so judgmental. I think they are lazy, or unstructured. But I envy their simplicity. And what about their ability to not have their heart rate increase when something is about to not "go right."

Oh, Lord, change me. You don't necessarily have to change my personality, but I do want to be less anxious. Less controlling. Less worried about the details, or what comes next. I want to live in the moment. I want to be able to relax in times of the unexpected.

Make me grounded in you, Jesus. The Solid Rock. Be the calmer of my storm. Especially when the storm is in me.

Grant me back joy. Joy in the little things, even the interruptions in my life. Give me the ability to laugh at myself again and not take myself to seriously. I used to pride myself in this trait. It seems to be a trait of the past with me. I am SO concerned with how I look to people. I have become a shrub in the desert, in the parched places of the wilderness. I want my roots to go down deep into You, the stream of Life. I will not fear when heat comes, I will not cease from bearing fruit.

I am loved and accepted by You, Lord, no matter what I do or don't do. No matter who my friends are. I am not defined by my accomplishments nor my failures.

Praise. The. Lord.