Transitions. I need transitions.

"Transitions. I hate transitions." 

One of my all time favorite movie {series} is "Back to the Future." There's that one funny line you can look forward to in each of the three movies as the villain Biff Tanner (or his great-great-great grandpa) crashes into a manure truck, his car gets filled to the brim with a pile of cow dung, and he says, "Manure. I hate manure."  

I wanted to borrow that line and adapt it to be my own today, because I wanted to share how I really felt about transition periods. I hate them.

Well, I did hate them, but after a thought I had the other day, I'm going to learn to love them. 

I've never enjoyed times of transition in my life because it means you're neither Here nor There. I'm definitely a gal who loves to be in a definite place, so being in neither is sooooooooooooo uncomfortable, and awkward, and sometimes painful. Sometimes it's boring. Like a waiting period where nothing much is happening. I'm also a gal who likes action! Give me bright colors, and big adventures, and lots of drama and I'm happy. But transition times can be quiet. And lonely. 

I'm speaking too general. Let me get more specific. 

Like, when we moved to Illinois. There was definitely (and still is in some ways) a time of transition. And I knew there would be. We had to get used to new friends, new job, new house, new city, new Walmart, new church. I wanted to skip all the "new" and go straight to the comfortable and familiar. Over the past year both Josh and I have had times of, "Hey, new is cool," and other times of longing for the familiar. 

When I think about it, we go through transition throughout our life probably a billion gilllion times. Theres always change of some sort. Change of season, change of schools, jobs, friends, children, health. So transition is inevitable. To go from Point A to Point B, or Point Q to Point V, or whatever, there's a time of travel, a time of transition. 

I believe the Lord whispered to me the other day that transition is GOOD. 

I thought about my three year old. I can tell she also hates change. I know part of it is her three year old ability to comprehend her world, but some of it is also her personality (similar to her mom's, cough cough!). This week we moved her bed into her brother's room. That's a HUGE change for her little three year old brain! She was partly excited at first to share a room with Baby Brother, even cried when he wasn't in his crib. But I realized she's learning to deal with change. She needs a few days weeks to get used to it.

So, if life is constantly changing, those periods of transition are GOOD. God put them in our life for a reason. We are only human and finite and in some ways need as much protection as our little three year old children. If the Lord took us directly from Point A to Point Q, we'd probably explode from the impact. So our wonderful, loving God created a time of transition for our minds, emotions, our spirits to cope with what is happening to us or around us. 

I don't know about you, but I don't want to explode. 

I suddenly changed my perspective, though. I love transitions. They may not be fun, or easy, or fast, but they are good for me. A much needed time to reflect on the old and prepare for the new in my life. 

I love transitions. 

Thank you, Lord, for planning the course of my life just right. For neither taking me too fast, nor too slow. You ways are higher than mine and you desire good from my life's challenges and changes. Help me to trust you with every step. Help me to trust your perfect timing. Carry me and my wonderful family through these changes. 

Who am I really?

I had a huge revelation tonight.

It actually started last night when Josh and I were watching a show on the Christian t.v. station about personality types. Now, I had first learned about personality types when I was at Teen Mania after high school and it blew me away. Made me aware that not everybody was just like me, and that that was okay. Was a hard pill to swallow as a self-focused 18 year old, but really encouraged a maturity in me that was needed.

Anyway, the speaker on the show we watched last night used different names from what I had learned for the four basic personality categories, but they were pretty much the same. As he listed off some of the traits, I started thinking again about who I am and what tendencies I fall into. I suddenly found myself confused.

I noticed I had changed in the past decade. Everybody changes in 10 years, but I started thinking about why: I used to line up as the people oriented, optimistic, big picture personality as the my top match and the dominate, goal oriented, directing personality as the second match. But I noticed that I have been acting heavily in the Dominate personality and less in the Optimistic one and even MORE in the C personality... analytical, critical, task oriented, detailed.

So I was thinking about why have I changed so much? I know we're all growing and changing and maturing (and boy have I matured a lot over the last 10 years and will continue to mature), but--how do I explain this? I've really changed... almost into a totally different personality. So my question to myself was have I become more of who I am supposed to be? I mean, who God has created me to be? And I was just faking it, or trying to be who I thought others wanted me to be when I was a teen? OR did I change more to who I think I should be and stifled who I really am... or was? (See why I'm confused?)

Stay with me... I think what may have happened was when I took the test back 11 years ago, I found out my strengths and my weaknesses. I was exhilarated by my strengths, but I was wrecked by my weaknesses. I am--and was--someone who despises failure, and just the term "weakness" to me denotes failure. I think the intention of our leaders at Teen Mania for having us learn about the personality traits was to encourage us to work well with other people. I think I took it as an opportunity to make myself the best ME I could be. And the weaknesses that came from the tendencies I had were repulsive to me, and I thought, therefore, made me repulsive to people around me. One thing I do know about myself which is true and hasn't changed is I want to be liked and approved by people. Here's where big revelation comes in.

This is huge to me!

I saw the weaknesses and began to work on them.... I wanted to turn them into strengths. I worked hard. I self criticized a lot. I watched people who had those strengths that I wanted and took mental notes. I read books. I read scripture. I asked questions. I drew a picture--a mental image, I guess-- of the person I wanted to be and I wanted to do whatever it took to turn whatever weaknesses I had into strength and become the Best Me.

So, over the years some of those weaknesses have changed. I'm better in areas I used to not be good in. But some of those things are--gasp--still weaknesses. AND I'm finding new weaknesses--double gasp. I've failed at my mission.

I don't think I've magically turned myself into a completely different person. I definitely haven't turned all my old weaknesses into strengths and kept all the strengths I had before and, therefore, have no weaknesses--if only, right? But what if I'm trying to act strong in areas that I'm not naturally gifted at? The motive behind that is just so I can be an amazing all around person and impress people around me. This is HUGE! And could possibly be true...

I don't think there is a black and white answer here. Our tendencies and personalities are complex and organic and God-designed. I do know I want to explore this and PRAY and seek the Lord a bit more on this, because, ultimately, I don't want to be afraid of my weaknesses anymore. I don't want to excuse them either, but I want to be like what Paul said. I want to "boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ's power may rest on me." (2 Cor. 12:9b). 

But I also want to be who God created me to be and not who I worked really hard to be. I want to walk in freedom of being me, not caring what people think about me, and not being afraid of being judged for how I act, in strengths or weaknesses.

The Lord did whisper to me tonight as I was mulling over this. Elynna and I were playing with her jewelry and make-up in her room and He did say something about "task-oriented" and "people-oriented." (I think I'm one of those people who can do both. I can switch back and forth and sometimes focused on the task and sometimes focused on the people...maybe). But the Lord did say to me tonight, though, "Focus on the people." I looked up from trying to put Elynna's toys away as we played and I looked into her face. And the light went on. And the blinders were lifted. I've swung too far over to the one extreme. Details and tasks are somewhat important, but they are the means to the end. The end is relationships. People. and I'm surrounded by many people I love and care for deeply (near and far!). I want to get back to that focus. Not by my own hard work and will-power, but by the power of Jesus, who knows me better than I know myself--Thank God!-- and, thankfully, loves my crazy, influencing, domineering, outgoing, analytical, people-loving, beautiful self!

So, peace, Ahhhhh. I am my "Best Me" when I am found in Jesus and loving His people.

What about you? Are there some weaknesses you are afraid of? How has your personality changed over the last decade? How can we best balance time focused on tasks and time focused on people?

Naptime

Watching my daughter fall asleep at nap time makes me think of surrendering to the Lord.

Our usual routine for nap time that starts shortly after lunch is she uses the bathroom, then we read a book, then she lays down and I sing a couple, uh, several--eh hem-- 23 songs to her while I rub her head or back until she is mostly drowsy. Most days I leave right before she actually falls asleep, but sometimes I just have to stay until her little eyes are closed and her breathing is slow and regular. Partly for my Mommy satisfaction of seeing a peaceful 2 year old and partly because sometimes she just has a dang hard time winding down to take an afternoon nap. (Shout out to my other moms of toddlers! You know).
Many days at nap time Ellie is fighting sleep. I know she probably just doesn't want to miss anything, but I've read that it's not unusual for 2 year olds to struggle with winding down for a nap because their little brains are taking in and processing SO MUCH new information all day.

It's so funny when she is fighting sleep and I'm just thinking, "Relax. Give in. Just fall asleep and you'll wake up feeling rested and feel better." As I stroke her forehead, her eyes droop, then pop back open. Sometimes they do this roll around thing, like they can't decide if their actually gonna close and give into to sleep or not.  Sometimes this takes 5 minutes, other times 20 minutes or more and those are the times when I get really frustrated and start losing my patience and can't believe that she is actually fighting doing something that will be good for her! (And her mommy!)

So that's why it always reminds me of surrendering to the Lord. I think He's often saying something similar to ME. "Relax, Ashley. Give in! Rest in Me and you will feel better." Just like my daughter, I don't want to miss a thing-- and I like to have a little bit of control of what's going on around me. Surrendering means giving up some of that control. That sounds a little scary to me, but in my head I KNOW it will bring me more peace in the end. Just like a nap for a 2 year old.

So, I leave you with Philippians 4:6 and Proverbs 3:5-6. (Annnnd that's just the tip of the iceberg for scriptures on surrender. If you want more references, let me know!)

Comparison is Stupid

I've been thinking a lot about comparison lately. I even deleted my Facebook app on my phone today because I was really trying to live everyone else's virtual life instead of my own. Seriously. I'd check FB whenever I had downtime during the day, and frankly right now, I have a lot of down time (if Elynna's content and playing and Alden's napping and the laundry is done, I have downtime then, usually). Or I'd check it when I was in the bathroom (Admit it, you do it, too), or waiting in line somewhere.

Anyway, I was really starting to believe that all of you guys' lives are better than mine. Some of my friends have cuter kids. Some are cuter pregnant ladies Some of you guys are stellar at taking the perfect photo with instagram. Have a better grocery budget. Have better exercise discipline. Have amazing sewing/quilting/crocheting skills. Many of you are skinnier than I am. Blah, blah, blah...

So, I'm gonna admit it. I have totally been comparing myself to others and it's really not good. Making me forget about all the GOOD STUFF that I have right in front of me. Two beautiful kids, an amazing loving husband, two hands to cook and tickle, a creative mind to manage a home, thin -uh-forearms, etc...

And while I'm watching all of you live your life, I'm missing out on mine.

Another thought about comparison is that God made us all different for a reason. He doesn't just like variety, which I believe he does, He truly has made each one of us unique. Each of us have a unique DNA, just as there are billions of different stars out in the universe, and it's to show the glory of God. How dare I compare myself to my brothers or sisters who are obviously supposed to NOT be like me?

I think the image of the Kingdom of God, the Church being like a BODY is perfect. Each "member" of the body has a different role--a unique role--and must function as it was created to, or the body is, dare I say, dysfunctional (I laugh out loud at my own joke). Each member has a role, down to the tiniest cell.  And if we are too worried about what other parts of the body are doing, we're not able to carry out the specific duties that we are supposed to do.

That being said, if you've ever compared yourself to me, don't . I have my own share of flaws, faults, problems and I'm just making it through life the best way that I know how. But I have gifts, skills and talents that are totally different from yours, and God did that for a reason, I'm sure. I'm ready to act in the gifts and talents and skills that God has given me for this season and not compare to someone that's not ME.

Go read 1 Peter 4:10-11.  It's good stuff and supports what I've said here.

So, yeah... Comparison is stupid. ;)