Who am I really?

I had a huge revelation tonight.

It actually started last night when Josh and I were watching a show on the Christian t.v. station about personality types. Now, I had first learned about personality types when I was at Teen Mania after high school and it blew me away. Made me aware that not everybody was just like me, and that that was okay. Was a hard pill to swallow as a self-focused 18 year old, but really encouraged a maturity in me that was needed.

Anyway, the speaker on the show we watched last night used different names from what I had learned for the four basic personality categories, but they were pretty much the same. As he listed off some of the traits, I started thinking again about who I am and what tendencies I fall into. I suddenly found myself confused.

I noticed I had changed in the past decade. Everybody changes in 10 years, but I started thinking about why: I used to line up as the people oriented, optimistic, big picture personality as the my top match and the dominate, goal oriented, directing personality as the second match. But I noticed that I have been acting heavily in the Dominate personality and less in the Optimistic one and even MORE in the C personality... analytical, critical, task oriented, detailed.

So I was thinking about why have I changed so much? I know we're all growing and changing and maturing (and boy have I matured a lot over the last 10 years and will continue to mature), but--how do I explain this? I've really changed... almost into a totally different personality. So my question to myself was have I become more of who I am supposed to be? I mean, who God has created me to be? And I was just faking it, or trying to be who I thought others wanted me to be when I was a teen? OR did I change more to who I think I should be and stifled who I really am... or was? (See why I'm confused?)

Stay with me... I think what may have happened was when I took the test back 11 years ago, I found out my strengths and my weaknesses. I was exhilarated by my strengths, but I was wrecked by my weaknesses. I am--and was--someone who despises failure, and just the term "weakness" to me denotes failure. I think the intention of our leaders at Teen Mania for having us learn about the personality traits was to encourage us to work well with other people. I think I took it as an opportunity to make myself the best ME I could be. And the weaknesses that came from the tendencies I had were repulsive to me, and I thought, therefore, made me repulsive to people around me. One thing I do know about myself which is true and hasn't changed is I want to be liked and approved by people. Here's where big revelation comes in.

This is huge to me!

I saw the weaknesses and began to work on them.... I wanted to turn them into strengths. I worked hard. I self criticized a lot. I watched people who had those strengths that I wanted and took mental notes. I read books. I read scripture. I asked questions. I drew a picture--a mental image, I guess-- of the person I wanted to be and I wanted to do whatever it took to turn whatever weaknesses I had into strength and become the Best Me.

So, over the years some of those weaknesses have changed. I'm better in areas I used to not be good in. But some of those things are--gasp--still weaknesses. AND I'm finding new weaknesses--double gasp. I've failed at my mission.

I don't think I've magically turned myself into a completely different person. I definitely haven't turned all my old weaknesses into strengths and kept all the strengths I had before and, therefore, have no weaknesses--if only, right? But what if I'm trying to act strong in areas that I'm not naturally gifted at? The motive behind that is just so I can be an amazing all around person and impress people around me. This is HUGE! And could possibly be true...

I don't think there is a black and white answer here. Our tendencies and personalities are complex and organic and God-designed. I do know I want to explore this and PRAY and seek the Lord a bit more on this, because, ultimately, I don't want to be afraid of my weaknesses anymore. I don't want to excuse them either, but I want to be like what Paul said. I want to "boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ's power may rest on me." (2 Cor. 12:9b). 

But I also want to be who God created me to be and not who I worked really hard to be. I want to walk in freedom of being me, not caring what people think about me, and not being afraid of being judged for how I act, in strengths or weaknesses.

The Lord did whisper to me tonight as I was mulling over this. Elynna and I were playing with her jewelry and make-up in her room and He did say something about "task-oriented" and "people-oriented." (I think I'm one of those people who can do both. I can switch back and forth and sometimes focused on the task and sometimes focused on the people...maybe). But the Lord did say to me tonight, though, "Focus on the people." I looked up from trying to put Elynna's toys away as we played and I looked into her face. And the light went on. And the blinders were lifted. I've swung too far over to the one extreme. Details and tasks are somewhat important, but they are the means to the end. The end is relationships. People. and I'm surrounded by many people I love and care for deeply (near and far!). I want to get back to that focus. Not by my own hard work and will-power, but by the power of Jesus, who knows me better than I know myself--Thank God!-- and, thankfully, loves my crazy, influencing, domineering, outgoing, analytical, people-loving, beautiful self!

So, peace, Ahhhhh. I am my "Best Me" when I am found in Jesus and loving His people.

What about you? Are there some weaknesses you are afraid of? How has your personality changed over the last decade? How can we best balance time focused on tasks and time focused on people?