Weeping May Last for the Night

I'll just say it: I had a miscarriage two weeks ago.

I've only told a few people.

and I haven't talked much about it, not even with my husband. It was just so surprising and happened so fast, neither Josh nor I knew what to think or how to respond. I didn't want to talk much about it because I just wanted to get over it, move on and get back to normal. But even though it happened so fast, we barely knew I was pregnant and then suddenly I wasn't, the miscarriage was real, the loss of life is real, and grief is real. I was told I should talk about it.

The story of what happened is this: We weren't trying to get pregnant. Although, it's not like we would have been devastated if we were going to have a baby. I had an IUD since after Elynna's birth, so I was 99% sure I was not supposed to get pregnant.

My monthly cycle was coming, and it came. But I bled for over a week, which is very unusual. On the 10th day I thought something could be wrong. Something prompted me to take a pregnancy test, and it was positive. I was shocked. A tiny part of me was excited because maybe we were going to have another child, just sooner than planned, but that would be okay! But a larger part of me was very concerned and did not have a good feeling about it--I had been bleeding for so long already. I assumed the baby was on it's way out :(

My midwife was great. Very compassionate, yet straightforward. I had some blood work done that day to test my HCG levels. She removed the IUD, told us there was a 50% chance and said, "Hope for the best." I was supposed to get another HCG test two days later which would tell if it was a healthy pregnancy or not.

I ordered myself to bed rest. If there was anything I could do to save the baby, taking out the IUD and resting was all I could do. I felt so helpless... I kept praying, knowing that the Lord is in control no matter what happens. And He knows... He knows.

Josh and I and some close friends prayed, and we tried to continue on and have a "normal" weekend. But I was in pain. It was hurting. I passed some tissue the next day. It was small, but I totally thought that could have been the baby. The next day, the second HCG levels test were the same, which is not good. It confirmed I was in the middle of a miscarriage. In a healthy pregnancy it should double in two days. The bleeding continued til Monday... I was at work, and I passed a substantial amount of tissue. I had no doubt after that that we lost the baby. I should have left work. I just cried in the bathroom for a minute or two, told myself I had to be strong, and I finished my lunch and went back to work.

I think about that day now and it breaks my heart.

I really didn't, and still don't, want to be the woman who dwells in self pity. Who uses my calamity to get sympathy and attention from people. That's all that was going through my head. I was so focused on what I didn't want to be that I forgot I was going through a really tough situation and it's okay for me to push pause on life.

I was pregnant... Now I'm not. That has been the hardest reality. And hardest for my body, too. I would have been six weeks along. I've told myself, Oh, it wasn't that far along. My body should recover quickly. I should recover quickly.

But than I got sick. REALLY sick. The flu or a really bad cold or something. For the last week I was on the couch, complete with fever, nausea, congestion, and exhaustion. I think the Lord knew I was just gonna push on and act as if nothing happened. My Plan was NOT to be on the couch for a week.

Nothing has gone the way I planned the last few weeks. Getting drug through the mud physically and emotionally was not my plan for the last two weeks.

I've try to find a few things to learn from all of this. Maybe being drug through the mud could teach me something.

The MAIN thing which sounds SO cliche, but the Lord is truly in control. Getting pregnant and staying pregnant is nothing I have control over. I kept thinking of Psalm 139: "Oh, Lord, you search me and you know me.... You knit me together in my mother's womb."He has a plan for this. I don't know exactly what or why, but He does. The neat thing to think about is that this baby, though a mere 5-6 weeks gestation, went straight from my womb to the arms of Jesus. That encourages me.

And not that the Lord causes a miscarriage to teach me a lesson, but that we live in a fallen world where sin and death rule. The joy that we can find in pain and suffering is that we have a hope in Jesus, in the eternal kingdom and his deep, deep love and amazing grace.

The other thing is to take time to rest, take care of myself and my family. They come first. Doing the teaching job was hard. It took lots of time and energy. I am gifted to teach, but my family comes first. And if I'm no good physically to be there for them, then stretching myself thin is not worth it.

In light of all that has happened to me, I have decided not to go back to teach the second half of my sub job. And I am, actually, relieved. I don't have to go into detail about it, but I'm ready to focus back on being Wife and Mommy. If I had not lost the pregnancy, I may have continued the next 8 weeks back at the school, and would have missed out on the times I can have with my husband and daughter.

But all this has really put things in a different perspective for me. Life is SO precious. And SO not in our hands. And there are so many things that we do that do not matter in light of eternity. I want to be and do what matters. And I want to continue to trust Jesus that he will give us a another baby when it's his perfect timing.

And my heart goes out to those friends of mine who have lost a baby... whether it was at 5 weeks, or 10 weeks, or 21 weeks. I grieve with you.

Each life is in HIS hands. Even after birth. Each day needs to be surrendered.

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they might have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body." 2 Corinthians 4:7-10

"I have set the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body will also rest secure, you will not abandon me to the grave, nor let your Holy One see decay. You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand." Psalm 16:8-11

"My heart and my flesh fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:26

"Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn." Romans 12:15

"...Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5